Broken

I’ve been struggling a lot this year with being broken.

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My word for the year was relationships.

When I wrote that word down I honestly didn’t realize what an impact it would already have in my life just 10 weeks into the year.

I desired all my relationships to change. To grow, to expand beyond my wildest dreams.

In the process of attempting to do this, I had no idea that it was me that needed the biggest transformation.

The Lord started this year by breaking me.

He knew that I needed this.

He knew that I had so far to go…still do.

He knew just how much work I needed to do.

I am realizing some things about me thus far and to be honest they aren’t overly pretty.

I am extremely selfish.

I have a hard time giving up time that I don’t want to give up. Just for someone else.

I like my routine and hate to change it, no matter what.

I judge. WAY to much. I have a ginormous log in my eye that I desperately need to remove.

I’ve become dependent on electronic devices instead of communicating with loved ones.

I was talking to my Mom and my sister this past week and they were showing me all the crafts that they had done over the winter… Myself… sadly not that much and mostly time wasters. Not even good time wasters. I played games, or was on facebook.

I realized how much I was cutting myself from everyone, including God and myself.

I have found myself over and over crying, broken, flat.

Not because I am depressed, or because someone hurt me.

No because I have caused hurt.

I’ve hurt others with my attitude.

I have hurt others with my judgement.

I have put on my desires and wants onto other people, instead of realizing their own thoughts and desires.

I have caused hurt to Jesus. I have neglected Him. I have turned Him away. I have chosen ‘stuff’ over Him. I called only to Him when there was a need. Not just to talk, not just to grow our relationship.

These past 10 weeks have been excruciating, but in the best way possible.

I know that what HE is doing to me, is everything that I needed to have done.

I know that He is changing me to be a better me.

To be more His.

To be that wife to my handsome hubby that he so deserves.

To be that mom to my beautiful children in ways that I have never been there before.

To stretch out to my siblings, to be the daughter to my parents that honor them.

To push myself out of my box.

To grow my relationships with friends and to meet new friends. To grow those relationships.

To have my home become the haven that I have always desires. One that makes my handsome hubby thrilled to come home to. That my children embrace. That family and friends gather and fill fulfilled in.

So even though I know the next 40 odd weeks or even more are going to be rough. I am excited for them. I am excited that He is moving me beyond my wildest dreams. I am excited that even in my brokenness, He will provide me with strength and wisdom and courage, to face everything that I need to face. Past, present and future.

I am excited to be broken more for HIM!!!

Because just like the egg, what is in the inside is going to be so much better once I get past the outer shell.

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