Heartbroken

its 3:30am and our little ms ‘Grace’ has decided that she needs to stay up tonight, so I thought I should really fill everyone in on what’s happening around here. 

For those of you who don’t already know, 3 weeks ago tomorrow we had to say good bye to our little ladybug. She went back to live with the birth mom. 

Things around here have been so different. We are missing out bug something fierce. 

My sweet caro asks about her all the time, and talks about her continuously.  It’s such a hard concept to tell a not yet 4 yr old who already has had so much disruption and so much loss in her little life that her sister won’t be leaving here no more. I know she doesn’t completely understand, but let’s me honest neither do I, why she is loving somewhere else. 

Now before I go any further, I advocate birth families to stay together, IF, it’s in the best interest of the child. I DON’T believe it is ALWAYS in the best interest of the child. I believe that way to many times children are placed with blood simply because they are blood. 

Now back to little ms ladybug. 😊

As I said tomorrow marks week 3 since we said goodbye. Which also means that we have now been without her the same amount of time that we got to love on her. 

It’s hard to believe that she was only with us 3 weeks. We all fell head over heels and are completely broken that she is no longer with us. 

I haven’t posted before this simply because the words were still so raw. 

This Foster thing is brutal. All of it. Everything. 

The placement: because that means that the family that the child was living with is no longer a good place for them. 

The beginning adjustment or the honeymoon: because everyone is just getting to know one another. For us, the girls were our first placement. It was rough on so many levels. They were broken, and I was lost. 

The new normal. After the honeymoon wears off: oh man this was like someone flipped a switch and all I could think off was could I have the honeymoon stage back. Lol

Then life: because let’s be honest, no matter how awesome it is and it can be pretty flipping great!! One is still dealing with loss, grief, hurt, attachment, brokenness. We for the most part are dealing really well. The girls have settled in and life is pretty freaking great. Now we don’t have visits, we don’t have any of that kind of hard stuff. 

Then there comes a time when they will move on. And either you will be ok with the move or not. 

For us we questioned this move. A LOT!!! We were not ok with it. But let’s me honest we don’t have a tremendous amount of say. So we pray. A LOT!!  We grieve. A LOT!!! This is far from easy. For me (a mom who has 3 miscarriages) it feels very similar. Like my baby was taken away from me. I know that sounds crazy and very few people will understand. In fact many will think well at least you only had her for a short amount of time. Others still believe well you don’t really get that attached, because after all you aren’t even their mom. This has been hard. Very hard. I am her mom. I still feel like her mom even though BM is now raising her. My arms feel empty and my heart cries from the pain of the loss. I look at pictures and love on her beautiful brown eyes. I pray she is happy and snuggling her BM. I pray she doesn’t have to cry and that she never feels alone. I also pray she is done missing me. That she is fully bonded with BM again. I pray this simply because I know that is what is best with her. Even though I sit here in tears thinking about it. 

Oh my sweet bug, we miss you so very much. You brought much sunshine into our life’s. Your sisters ask about you all the time and we constantly show them pictures of you. You are the background on my phone and my arms ache to hold you again. Know sweets that we all love you so very much. We all pray you are doing very well. We all wish you the very best and happy growing up even if we are not part of it. 

Love you my “Drey”. 

    

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