Monthly Archives: October 2016

Choosing the hard

Last night I watched my husband say goodbye for the last time to our youngest foster  daughter. we have had her for 14 months since she was 1 month old. 

Hubby works away from home and our little butterball leaves next week to be with her forever family. 

Seeing his pain and knowing next week I will be saying goodbye forever is brutal. 

Knowing this sweetheart, whom we love with all our hearts, is about to leave the only family she has ever really known. Well that’s painfully wrenching. 

Knowing she’s going to forget about us and grow up in a loving home is a double edged sword. 

Yet through it all. In the deepest pits of my torn heart, I know we will keep doing this. We will keep choosing the pain. 

Why you may ask?

Well simply put, because it’s worth it.  

Fostering is hard. Their pain becomes yours. Their trauma becomes yours. 

There is always, ALWAYS, loss. in everything. 

Even in the good things. Like successful reunification or forever homes. 

The loss right now is ours.  Our families.  Our friends. Our sweet foster ( one day forever) daughters. Even our little butterball has to experience this loss. 

Yet in the end the gain is there. She will gain a family where she will never have to leave. She will gain comfort and eventually security. She will gain the love of a large extended family.  

So for that we will keep going. We will take some time to mourn our loss. To heal.  To reconnect and then we will pick ourselves up again. Dust off and start opening up out hearts to another. Another that is going through a tremendous loss themselves. 

With God’s help we will be healed so that we can help heal. 

Because there is no way in H E  double hockey sticks could we do this alone.

Getting ready for goodbye

A couple weeks ago we got the call that our little butterball had a family.  

Over the next several weeks she will meet her new mom and dad and slowly transition into their lives and home. 

I am such a complex mix of feelings and thoughts.  

It’s brutal to think of life without her. Every single one of us is going to feel her loss significantly. My heart breaks thinking of her heartbreak. Because let’s be honest there is such loss in all of this. 

But, to be honest, there is also great joy. 

There is a family right now over the moon excited that this long hoped for and hopefully prayed for daughter is finally about to be part of their lives. She will never have to be uprooted again. She is young enough to never really remember ever not being a part of their family.  She will be able to grow up with some stability.  

For that alone I’m so thankful. 

I’m also thankful for the year of firsts we had with her. 

Her first smile.  

Her first laugh. 

Her first crawl. 

Her first steps. 

Her first running.  

Her first kisses. 

Her first hugs. 

Her first mom mom mom.

Her first dadada.

Her first “ove ewe”.

Her first trip to see the mountains.  

Her first swimming.

Her first birthday.  First Christmas. First easter. 

Though I’m often found with tears in my eyes over the loss, I know one day I will also see joy in it as well. 

So for now, as we prepare to say goodbye to this very special little girl, whom we love so completely, I’ll wash her clothes and her favorite stuffie.  I’ll spend every second I can snuggling her and getting a billion kisses and hugs.  I’ll take a million pictures and almost that many videos. I’ll capture her handprint and footprint for our stepping stones. I’ll cry often. I’ll pray constantly. I’ll make lists of things on want to share with her new parents.  I’ll clean and pack.

And most of all I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

This road we are called to travel is brutal. However I know we are not alone and that brings intense comfort.