6 months!!!

Last week on the 15th we passed our 6 month anniversary with the girls I’ve since spent a lot of time looking at them and revelling in our far we’ve come. How much they’ve changed and how much we all have grown together. 

It hasn’t been easy. Not even a little tiny bit. But to have those little arms wrap around you and tell you I wuv wu mommy is definitely worth it. 

6.5 months ago we were happy. Life was calm. Our baby was finishing up grade 11. We were alright. 

In the last six months our lives have been turned upside down and shaken not stirred. 

It’s been super crazy. 

It’s been very very very challenging. 

We’ve dealt with loss. We’ve dealt with grief. We’ve dealt with things that no child should ever have to deal with. 

But we are slowly healing and slowly becoming a family. 

Each week seems a tiny bit easier. A tiny bit more doable. 

In these last 6 months I’m astounded by how I’ve changed. I didn’t even have a clue before. I had no idea how broken I would become. How many tears I would shed, happy ones, sad ones and a huge pile of frustrated ones. 

Now our home is filled with laughter, little girl giggles, potty training, cartoons, toys, snacks, drinks, hugs, sibling arguments, joy, silliness, and way more love than I thought possible. 

6.5 months ago I had no idea what I was getting into. But I also had no idea what i was missing. 

I had no idea part of my heart was missing. 

  

To my girls birth mom

Ever since these precious girls of yours have come into my care, I find I can’t stop thinking about you. 

I wonder about your story. 

What hand life has dealt you. 

What choice you have made from those dealings. 

I wanted to share a few things with you, even though I know we may never even meet. 

I wanted to tell you some things about your girls you may not know. 

Sweet “caro” is a fire cracker. Her has such a strong resilient heart. Her life has been upheaval after upheaval, and yet she still manages to laugh and make others laugh around her. She’s a caretaker. She loves to watch over “Grace” and loves, loves, loves her baby.

She is smart. Very smart. And her hearing is impeccable. (Unless of course she is choosing not to hear you, lol). She speaks so well and her comprehension is amazing. 

She also is stubborn and a tad headstrong. Those can be good qualities as she will more than likely need them later on. 

She loves to sing. All the time. She also loves to make up stories, about anything really. Her imagination cracks me up. 

I love being able to watch her be a little girl. Watch her play with toys and watch her skip and dance. And sing the putter fly song or the songs we sing before bed. 

She is a bit of a picky eater and I believe it’s her way of trying to control the situation. One moment she loves it, the next it’s the worst food ever.  

She decided shortly after coming to live with us that she wasn’t going to nap any longer and since then I believe she has only had about 4 naps. 

We are talking play school and maybe gymnastics or dance in the fall. She begs to go to school with Sarah. So I think she is ready for more interaction. 

She loves the water. Like crazy loves the water. Doesn’t mind playing in the sand either, but would way sooner be out swimming. 

I’d be crazy not to mention those toes. Oh man those toes that she can spread out like fingers, and does, ALL THE TIME! I swear she could eat with those toes. 

Your little Grace. 

Oh man stubborn doesn’t begin the describe that girl. It’s her way or the highway, which you can imagine causes some grief between her and Caro. 

She will eat almost anything. Her chubby cheeks show her love for food. 

Oh how she loves her big sister. And her baby as well. I love watching her “mother” her dolly. 

Although she is stubborn, she is also very sensitive. Her temper tantrums include crying instead if screaming. 

She is starting to put words together and in fact said her first sentence the other day. 

She has a love/hate relationship with our dog. She is never sure is she wants to hug and kiss her or scream because the dog walked by her. 

She HATES the sand. We have to either place her directly in the water or out a towel down with a pail of water for her to play in. 

She has the best bed head EVER!!! 

Some of her words right now are of thankum, pwease, done, wawa, and elp. 

She’s going to be tall as she is almost 3 feet already and won’t be two for a month and a half. 

She loves shoes. Like loves loves loves shoes. 

She still likes her sleep and is great about going to bed for nap time. 

She is very shy and withdrawn and it takes her a very long time to come out of her shell. But once she does, her smile is amazing. 

Everyone comments in her gorgeous brown eyes and her adorable chubby cheeks. 

Drey. 

Oh my sweet Drey. 

What a cutie poototie. Everyone is falling for her. 

She has crazy long fingers, like longer than the palm of her hand long. 

And those toes, just like her big big sister. 

She also has Grace’s chubby cheeks. 

She is a very happy baby and loves to held. ALL THE TIME. Lol 

She is eating really good and enjoying the milk that you gave her. 

Her sisters adore her to bits and always want to kiss her and touch her and hold her. If anyone asks Caro, she says she’s my baby, mine and Graces. 

She is definitely the center right now. 

Most of all, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for choosing life to these miraculous girls. Thank you for not ending their lives before they had begun. 

I’m am beyond humbled to be a part of their life’s. They fill me up, in a way I didn’t even know was empty. 

I laugh at Caro’s singing and crack myself up over Grace’s dance moves and are mesmerized my Drey’s eyes. 

Like I said I don’t know your story. But hopefully you know more about our girls now. 

Know, that they are very much loved. 

Know, that they are very much cared for. 

Know, they are a part of our family forever now, no matter what happens. 

Know, so are you. 

My ladybug

I think insanity has hit this house hard this week. Lol

In Monday I got a call from SS. I presumed they were just doing their normal call. Checking to see how things were going. After all it’s only just over two months that we’ve had the girls. I mean there is no way that they would want to place another one with us. Would they? We are first timers. This is our first year. The girls are our first placement. 

Well..

I was wrong…

After the standard how are things going. She asked me if I felt we were at capacity. (Now as hard as it is to say I had to be realistic on what I can handle and it has been HARD), so I said yes we were.

She then said oh. Because the reason I’m calling is the girls birth mom just had another baby and we would like you to take her as well. 

Oh man. 

That was such a hard decision. 

We talked. We prayed. I asked for prayer. We asked our bio daughter who is 17. We really weighed it out. 

This was huge. Our girls were settling in. Calling us Mom and Dad. Pushing. Being normal. Being 3 and 1. Rob works away 2 weeks at a time. And then we were going to throw a brand new baby into the mix? 

Well…

We did. 

We said Yes!!! 

We brought home with us their sibling. 

We now have 3 under 4. 

I’m now a mom to 6. 

And truth be told I’m loving it.

I’m exhausted. 

Hubby is exhausted. 

But I have such peace about this decision. 

So without further ado I would like to introduce our little bug “Drey”

  

2 months

Today marks two months since our littles have come to live with us. 

What a crazy, intense two months it has been. 

About 2.5 weeks ago our case worker called and asked how things were going. To which my husband and I both replied much better. They are starting to settle in. We had some rough patches but all in all things are finally smoothing out and going well. 

To which she replied; oh you must be getting to the end of the honeymoon. 

Afterwards both hubby and I looked at each other and said: “getting to the end of the honeymoon?” You mean this was the easy part? Well two days later we found out. Yep it had been easy compared to what we/I would go through next. 

A few days later hubby had to go back to work for his 2 weeks and I can tell you in all honesty, Oh my goodness!!! 

It was an intense, hard, go crazy, bawl, drink wine, kind of two weeks. I cried more than I thought possible. I asked for prayer, upon prayer, upon prayer. I messaged a friend and said pray, I’m ready to make the call to say I can’t do this anymore and I know deep down this isn’t what I want. But Lord help me, I can’t handle much more. She prayed. My bible study ladies prayed, friends prayed and I prayed. 

And prayed. 

And prayed. 

And prayed. 

Then He answered. 

He came in. 

He calmed me. 

He calmed her.

Peace entered this house again. 

Calmed ensued… Sorta. I mean one is almost 22 months and the other will be 4 in sept. 😊

I can tell you honestly from this chair right now, this is so much harder than I ever thought possible. 

It’s brutal. 

It’s exhausting. 

It’s lonely. 

It’s humbling. 

It’s completely without one single doubt, absolutely worth it.

I know also without a doubt I’m so glad we did this. 

I can’t imagine life without them now. (Even if realistically I will have to one day). 

They brighten my days. 

They stretch my heart. 

They have simply become “our girls”. 
I hope to write more soon and really introduce you to our girls. Hopefully I can take moment  soon and do just that. 

In the meantime here is a little teaser. And if you want more follow me on Instagram at dirtdiva17. 

  

Our girls

Around 5 weeks ago we got the call. 

The call that we were waiting on, for what seemed like forever. There were two little girls that needed a home. 

After much discussion, (insert my heart leaping out of my chest to say yes, and my handsome level headed hubby being the voice of reason), we said yes. Two days later Sarah and I went to meet the beauties. 

And let me tell you they are C U T E!! 

One week after that first visit (which I spend flying around like a mad chicken getting everything “ready”), they came to live with us. 

It has been a life changing, challenging, exhausting, rewarding, heart breaking, heart warming, experience. 

If I’m going to be honest I’ve cried more years than I thought possible. Some in frustration, some in heart break, some in love. 

I really had no idea what so ever what I was getting in to. I had no idea how broken I would become. In a very very good way. 

I forgot what it was like to get up with a little one who had a bad dream, or to have two little ones have colds, in which we went through 4 boxes of Kleenex. 

These are the things I forgot that can be a challenge. 

I forgot how wonderful it was to have someone cry for you. Or to have a little run up and hug your leg. Having two little hands grab the side of your face and go in for a huge wet kiss. 

These are the things I forgot I missed. 

What I didn’t know period was how my heart would break when I hear I want my mommy and my daddy. When can I go back home to my mommy and daddy. And there was nothing I could do but hold her, let her know I loved her, and that we would see. 

These two sweeties have sure changed our lives. I’m looking so forward to sharing new experiences with them this summer. I’m looking forward to seeing the world through their eyes.

Anyway without further ado I’d like to introduce you to our girls. 

  

 

My sweet “Caroline” and my little “Grace”. 

* These are not their given names and only “nicknames” for this blog and social media.   

Broken

I’ve been struggling a lot this year with being broken.

My word for the year was relationships.

When I wrote that word down I honestly didn’t realize what an impact it would already have in my life just 10 weeks into the year.

I desired all my relationships to change. To grow, to expand beyond my wildest dreams.

In the process of attempting to do this, I had no idea that it was me that needed the biggest transformation.

The Lord started this year by breaking me.

He knew that I needed this.

He knew that I had so far to go…still do.

He knew just how much work I needed to do.

I am realizing some things about me thus far and to be honest they aren’t overly pretty.

I am extremely selfish.

I have a hard time giving up time that I don’t want to give up. Just for someone else.

I like my routine and hate to change it, no matter what.

I judge. WAY to much. I have a ginormous log in my eye that I desperately need to remove.

I’ve become dependent on electronic devices instead of communicating with loved ones.

I was talking to my Mom and my sister this past week and they were showing me all the crafts that they had done over the winter… Myself… sadly not that much and mostly time wasters. Not even good time wasters. I played games, or was on facebook.

I realized how much I was cutting myself from everyone, including God and myself.

I have found myself over and over crying, broken, flat.

Not because I am depressed, or because someone hurt me.

No because I have caused hurt.

I’ve hurt others with my attitude.

I have hurt others with my judgement.

I have put on my desires and wants onto other people, instead of realizing their own thoughts and desires.

I have caused hurt to Jesus. I have neglected Him. I have turned Him away. I have chosen ‘stuff’ over Him. I called only to Him when there was a need. Not just to talk, not just to grow our relationship.

These past 10 weeks have been excruciating, but in the best way possible.

I know that what HE is doing to me, is everything that I needed to have done.

I know that He is changing me to be a better me.

To be more His.

To be that wife to my handsome hubby that he so deserves.

To be that mom to my beautiful children in ways that I have never been there before.

To stretch out to my siblings, to be the daughter to my parents that honor them.

To push myself out of my box.

To grow my relationships with friends and to meet new friends. To grow those relationships.

To have my home become the haven that I have always desires. One that makes my handsome hubby thrilled to come home to. That my children embrace. That family and friends gather and fill fulfilled in.

So even though I know the next 40 odd weeks or even more are going to be rough. I am excited for them. I am excited that He is moving me beyond my wildest dreams. I am excited that even in my brokenness, He will provide me with strength and wisdom and courage, to face everything that I need to face. Past, present and future.

I am excited to be broken more for HIM!!!

Because just like the egg, what is in the inside is going to be so much better once I get past the outer shell.

The adjustment phase

I’m sitting here, taking a rare moment to try and put into words how the past 10 days have affected me.
You see 10 days ago we started doing respite for friends of ours. I’m not going into details. They are amazing parents and we only have this precious angel for 14 days total.
What my whole goal here is to share how this has changed my life.

First I’m exhausted. 9 month old little angels take a ton of energy. She is so active and so loving. You can tell she is very loved. But I haven’t been getting up regularly in the night since my now 16 yr old was 1. So you can see how that would be a huge adjustment.

This is tough. Tougher than I thought. Tougher than I remember littles being. I’ve gone from crying over really nothing. (Making my poor hubby question my mental capabilities) to laughing again over really nothing.

I’ve realized how selfish and self centered I had become. I honestly didn’t realize it before. I mean I’m already a mom of 3. But let me tell you when your “baby” is almost 17 you can pretty much take a step back from the extreme demand parenting that a little needs.

I must point out that I’m truly loving it. There is nothing at all like baby snuggles, kisses and laughter. Playing peek a boo, blowing on a belly, watching them play in the tub. I’m loving doing the laundry and folding up teeny, tiny clothes. I will truly admit that I’m also not minding changing diapers. (Even the dirty ones) (yep now you all are going to question my mental state :))

But I also have to keep it real.
Little Ms has cut two teeth since she’s been here. She is missing her family. She gets up every night at least once. She didn’t take to my hubby right away so that was a huge struggle.
Our puppy is feeling upset over it. Although she is being very gentle and letting her play, she definitely needs some extra loving as well.
I find I’m exhausted ALL THE TIME. Yet I can’t sleep.
I get super short tempered with puppy and my teenager.

However I am also realizing one huge thing…
This is EXACTLY what I want to be doing. It is EXACTLY what I feel I’m being led to. I feel this is EXACTLY what God is asking me to do.
Even as I sit here in this crazy state I’m in, I’m dreading, yes completely dreading, 4 days from now when she heads home.
Our home has changed with her in it.
My mindset has changed with her in it.
My heart has changed with her in.

I’m tired. I’m wore out. But my heart is overflowing.
I’m so very thankful.
He’s breaking me. But in the best way possible.

So as I prepare myself to let go in the next few days, I’m grateful. I’m awed. I’m strengthened simply because I’m His and because I’m listening.

I am strengthened by knowing that although He never once promised me easy, He did promise that He would always be there beside me.

Not what I expected

Well I sat down this evening to write s post on some of my recent Pinterest pins, but for some reason I am unable to make that work on my mobile and I seem to be unable to get internet on my computer. (Might be time for a new one sweetie. wink wink. :))

Anyway I decided I would share these cute pics of how my puppy and kitty love each other. This is a pretty regular occurrence into house.
Oh the fun and games.
And is a -P standoff.
lol

One Year

Today as I was busy buzzing around, getting my Christmas baking started and almost finished, taking my girlie to get her stitches out, I suddenly realized it was the 18th of December.

One year ago today we moved into our new home officially.

The weather was very similar to what it was today. Chilly, overcast, frost everywhere, slippery roads, but we loaded up the u haul, two vehicles and away we went.

It was a crazy long day with getting up early, packing, packing, packing oh and did I mention packing the truck? HA, Then the 3 hr drive, throw a supper in there, get here, unpack, unpack, set up some beds, put the food away, see our middle son back to Alberta and we crashed.

We then spent numerous days moving some more until finally I called a halt until after Christmas.

So much has happened this past year.

So much even at our little piece of paradise.

We moved around stuff, we tore down stuff, we’ve stained and fixed one deck, tore another one down and built a bigger, better one in it’s place. Stained that deck. Painted the whole top floor of the house and Sarah’s room twice. Cleaned up the yard and reorganized the location of some out buildings.

Then in June and July I had my parents here a good chunk. Plus we had a son move home for a couple months. September our girl went back to pubic school.  October we lost our puppy and my hubby changed jobs. In November we finally officially started the training for our fostering after taking the first half of the year to realize that international wasn’t going to work for us right now.

Yes this year has been crazy. But to be honest other than a few set backs, I’ve been loving it. I love our house and it’s location. I’m loving getting to make some wonderful friends that previously I’ve only know in blog world.

We even met up with a wonderful couple in the foster courses that my handsome hubby used to work with. They live not to terrible far away.

All in all at the end of this year I still firmly believe God led us here. Even though we are now 2.5hrs away from our boys and I miss them terribly, I know this is where we need to be right now. I know in my heart that God is not done with us here.

Now I had meant to post pics of some of the changes that we’ve done here, but of course my USB stick wouldn’t load up. So maybe next time.

Until then I pray you all have a Very Merry Christmas!!!!!

Losing my Sky

As you know I’ve been on a journey to find a fitter me.

This journey has been helped along by this beautiful girl needing to get outside and walk lots and lots and lots. 🙂

Well this past Wednesday was just one of those days. I didn’t want to go out. The cleanse was kicking my butt and the thought of walking anywhere was so far from my mind. However she makes it hard to refuse her.

So I went and changed into warmer clothes, put on my shoes, grabbed her leash and away we went.

At first I thought I would only walk 3km, enough to make her happy and enough to get me out for a bit. So I turned on my fitness app to track the km’s and away we went. Well at 1km she was having such a ball I decided to make it 4 that day.

That and a few other actions I will regret for a forever.

You see last Wednesday we lost our Skylar. About 100m away from our house she was struck by a vehicle and instantly passed.

I have a ton of what if’s and if only I had done this, or If I hadn’t done such and such. Such guilt I carry.

Last week we lost our very dear to us family member.

Our lives have changed very dramatically this past 6 days.

The one very small silver lining in this past week is that my husband was unexpectedly coming home that day. (He wasn’t due home for another week, but was coming to surprise Sarah and I) He came home and took over. He lifted her and brought her home, he drove with me 2hrs later to pick up our girl from school and tell her that her baby was no longer with us, he dug the grave and placed her in. These are all things that I would have had to do by myself. I am so thankful that he was there.

I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is just to write these words and yet I know that many, many, many have it so much worse.

Many are abused. Many are abandoned. Many are sold, raped, enslaved.

Many are without their parents, their spouses, their children, their grandchildren.

Many are without work, food, a roof over their heads.

It humbles me to write this and know that this pain I feel, this ache I have, could be worse.

So each day I work on getting up, dusting myself off, remembering what a great puppy she was. Focus on that I am sure she is managing to finally catch all those ducks she tried so hard to catch this summer. 🙂

Focus on being thankful.

And keeping her memory alive and with us always.