Some days

Some mornings I just have to chuckle.
So u have to tell you about my morning thus far. 
I get the girls breakfast.  I sit down to catch up on fb. ( I try to do my Bible study before I get out of bed. This morning i especially successful!)

Anyway sit catching up on stuff. Girls are done and come for cuddles.  

Shortly after tank wakes ups. 

Still all normal right.  Lol well around here is when my mind takes a break.  
I cuddle tank and give her a bottle while I send S to get dressed.  
I decided I needed to make myself a cup of hot chocolate as I have enough for one pot of coffee left and I’m saving it. 

Put the kettle on.
I remembered I needed to do laundry as we are doing a mini trip this weekend. So I start by gathering up the towels in the kitchen. Walk to the bedrooms to gather up the ones there. Decide to make my bed while I’m there.

Walk to bathroom to gather up the ones from the girls. By then S is dressed and I lift her over the gate. I gather up the towels and put then in the washing machine. Even turn it on. Score!!

I walk out and send C to get dressed. I walk into the kitchen and get the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and start it. About here I realize I never made my hot cocoa yet. I laugh, grab a mug and measure the hot cocoa into it. 

Then I’m reminded tank needs a diaper change and to also get dressed for the day. Off I go and meet C showing me her outfit. 

I change tank and walk back out thinking I had better make a list of all the things I need to get done today or I will forget and be scrambling.  

In the kitchen again to make list.

List is made and I start to look around. Oh diffuser needs cleaned. Grab it, clean it put it back away. Think I should put in some sort of energizing oil in as I’m tired and can’t seem to focus.

Think really wish I could have that cup of coffee.  

Than and only than do I realize that I still haven’t made my cup.of cocoa.  Yep, cocoa powder in cup.  Boiled water in kettle and an hour later I still hadn’t combined them.

That’s when I start to write this post.  
On a side note still haven’t made that cup yet. 

Also while writing this post I stopped 5 times to talk to the girls.  Once about sharing and the rest exclaiming over their creations.  Also went and rescued tank from kitty litter.
Oh the realities of my life.  Lol

Some days…
Now I’m off to start the kettle to boil the now cold water again and once again try to make that cup of cocoa. 

The past two weeks

What a crazy two weeks it has been. 

At the beginning of the year we opened up our home once again after taking two months after the loss of our butterball.  

To say we did this lightly would be a lie. We are fully aware of what’s on the line here. We are fully aware of the eventual hurt. But we feel called. We know in our hearts of hearts what we are doing right now is the right thing.  We have great peace over it. 

Soooooo….

Two weeks (and one day) we received yet another phone call for a potential placement.  It didn’t take long for us to say yes.

“Tank” arrived at our home at 2 in the morning. Sick, tired, but willing to be comforted by me.

Hubby had to leave that day so it would be another week before they met. 
In the past two weeks, we’ve battled colds, fevers, bronchitis, ear infections, three trips to the doctor  (50 minutes away), 40 below  (F), a major windstorm, the furnace breaking down and then randomly start working again, 6 days waiting for the new part, swimming lessons and school and bonding. Precious bonding. 

Oh and in case I forget one resource worker visit to add some color. Lol 

So these past two weeks have been insane. 

However the joys are immense as well. 

The furnace went out two days after hubby got back home so he was here for that.  

I’ve got to watch our girls dote and fall in love with “tank”. 

I’ve got to watch my hubby open his heart wide once again for this monkey bean. 

I’ve got smiles and cuddles and love.  

I’ve received meals, prayers, support.  

I’ve been able to spend time with hubby just being a couple.  

I’ve been so lucky.  
When we decided to open our hearts and home again we did so knowing what will happen to our hearts again. 

Yet I sit here today with a very sick little one in my arms knowing we did exactly what we were supposed to. 

We love. 

The last 48 hrs

I did want to come on here and tell you some about the last 24 hrs we had our moose but honestly it was pretty raw. So I thought waiting some would help. 

It has… sorta.

The last 24 hrs was hard. But kinda cool in the same breathe.

The drive to her new home was long. She will live  each 3 and a half hours away. The girls watched 3 movies on the way down. ithe as snow/ raining when we left and by the time we got there the sun had come out. 

We checked into the hotel and then too off to her new home. 

It was really cool for me to see where she will be and to see her new room. She will have a puppy to play with which she will love. 

We spent a couple hours there and then we went and grabbed supper and back to the hotel. I made sure it was pretty chill and I let them go up and down the hallways and watch cartoons. 

Our middle one was having a really hard time so some heart to hearts. The girls hearts are hurting and some memories are coming to surface. 

The next morning I was up by 5: 30. Hard morning. Cartoons and baths and then off to breakfast. Then packed up and back to her new home. 45 minutes later I had to pry a screaming crying little one out of my arms and hand her over as I dashed out the door. 

Even as I sit here and write this the pain is still so hard. Like a kick to the gut. 

But let’s face it, I still am momma to two other little girls needing me. I’ve never been so thankful for DVD players. 

The we headed back home after a side stop of some shopping hoping it would distract.  I should have known better but it was worth a try. 

The evening home went ok. Tired girls. Emotionally spent. Bed early. Then momma walked around in her numbness. 

I made the mistake of going into her room last night. 

Have I mentioned yet how quiet it is? 

Today I spent cleaning because that I can control. I aalso did little things like put the phones back down, the toilet paper back on the rolls, the bathroom door gets to be left open. I kinda Unkid proofed.  

Im trying hard to focus on the good. 

She does have a really nice new family. I know she is already loved by them. She will get some much desired one on one time with mommy while her older sibling is in school. She will be cuddled and smooched. Her new mommy is ensuring me we will still be able to be a part of her life. 

 I’m also overwhelmed by the amount of love and support we have received in this. The amount of people praying for us alone is amazing. I can also say without a word of doubt that I have definitely felt Him these past few days.
Now to start the hard process of learning to live without our moose. 

In the words of her new mommy… One day at a time.


Grabbing memories

So the day has arrived. Our last day home with our little butterball. Well my last day home. Yesterday was emotional. So many goodbyes. So many times I watched this precious sweetheart get held, get kissed, get loved on, get prayed for as church family and good friends said goodbye. This morning our bio daughter had her goodbye. 

It’s been so gut wrenching to watch people that know and love this little princess say goodbye knowing it’s the last. 

Today I washed all her clothes for the last time. I packed them all up. Squished in a cuddly blankie and the rest of her diapers. Made sure her very favorite toys went with her. Packed up the diaper bag she came with and unpacked ours. 


I put her suitcase put in the vehicle. I explained to our other two daughters that this was the last night home with their foster sister. 

I bathed her. I picked out her final two sets of clothing. I played with her. I let her nap on me simply to get all the cuddles I can. I’ve laid her in her bed for the very last time tonight. 

Tomorrow I packed up bottles and our clothes and head down to her new mom and dad’s which is about 3 and a half hours away. I get one more night with her and then I have to say goodbye forever.  

I have no idea how I’m going to do that. I have no idea how I’m going to drive away with one 2 daughters in the vehicle and leave our youngest behind. Only by the strength of God will I be able to accomplish that.

In my youngest daughters eyes her mommy will be abandoning her. I know and all the adults around her know but her precious heart doesn’t. 

My enormous prayer for this bundle is for her heart to heal fast. For attachment and bonding to go lightening speed. For her to forget. Simply so that this pain that she has to go through is minimal. 

I have felt the Lord here more than ever. The tears today never came until much later. Until the older girls were in bed. He is giving me strength that I know is not my own. 

I’ve had so many people text me on a regular basis just to see how I am. Just for me to know we are loved. 

Please family and friends continue to pray for us in the coming days, weeks and months as we all transition into our new realities. 

Choosing the hard

Last night I watched my husband say goodbye for the last time to our youngest foster  daughter. we have had her for 14 months since she was 1 month old. 

Hubby works away from home and our little butterball leaves next week to be with her forever family. 

Seeing his pain and knowing next week I will be saying goodbye forever is brutal. 

Knowing this sweetheart, whom we love with all our hearts, is about to leave the only family she has ever really known. Well that’s painfully wrenching. 

Knowing she’s going to forget about us and grow up in a loving home is a double edged sword. 

Yet through it all. In the deepest pits of my torn heart, I know we will keep doing this. We will keep choosing the pain. 

Why you may ask?

Well simply put, because it’s worth it.  

Fostering is hard. Their pain becomes yours. Their trauma becomes yours. 

There is always, ALWAYS, loss. in everything. 

Even in the good things. Like successful reunification or forever homes. 

The loss right now is ours.  Our families.  Our friends. Our sweet foster ( one day forever) daughters. Even our little butterball has to experience this loss. 

Yet in the end the gain is there. She will gain a family where she will never have to leave. She will gain comfort and eventually security. She will gain the love of a large extended family.  

So for that we will keep going. We will take some time to mourn our loss. To heal.  To reconnect and then we will pick ourselves up again. Dust off and start opening up out hearts to another. Another that is going through a tremendous loss themselves. 

With God’s help we will be healed so that we can help heal. 

Because there is no way in H E  double hockey sticks could we do this alone.

Getting ready for goodbye

A couple weeks ago we got the call that our little butterball had a family.  

Over the next several weeks she will meet her new mom and dad and slowly transition into their lives and home. 

I am such a complex mix of feelings and thoughts.  

It’s brutal to think of life without her. Every single one of us is going to feel her loss significantly. My heart breaks thinking of her heartbreak. Because let’s be honest there is such loss in all of this. 

But, to be honest, there is also great joy. 

There is a family right now over the moon excited that this long hoped for and hopefully prayed for daughter is finally about to be part of their lives. She will never have to be uprooted again. She is young enough to never really remember ever not being a part of their family.  She will be able to grow up with some stability.  

For that alone I’m so thankful. 

I’m also thankful for the year of firsts we had with her. 

Her first smile.  

Her first laugh. 

Her first crawl. 

Her first steps. 

Her first running.  

Her first kisses. 

Her first hugs. 

Her first mom mom mom.

Her first dadada.

Her first “ove ewe”.

Her first trip to see the mountains.  

Her first swimming.

Her first birthday.  First Christmas. First easter. 

Though I’m often found with tears in my eyes over the loss, I know one day I will also see joy in it as well. 

So for now, as we prepare to say goodbye to this very special little girl, whom we love so completely, I’ll wash her clothes and her favorite stuffie.  I’ll spend every second I can snuggling her and getting a billion kisses and hugs.  I’ll take a million pictures and almost that many videos. I’ll capture her handprint and footprint for our stepping stones. I’ll cry often. I’ll pray constantly. I’ll make lists of things on want to share with her new parents.  I’ll clean and pack.

And most of all I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

This road we are called to travel is brutal. However I know we are not alone and that brings intense comfort. 

Grace is 3

Today our little monkey turned 3. 

We spent it looking at other monkeys at the zoo. 

This was a fun one as she is still young enough there is no need for a big hype, yet old enough to start understanding it was her birthday. 

“Grace” is growing like a weed, and often out eats her older sister. 

Her words are finally coming clearer and sentences are really forming. 

She is still very timid and not fond of trying new things but is fierce enough to stand up to you when she is pushed in a corner. 

She’s a fantastic sharer and loves very much on her little sister who just turned one.

She is still unsteady on her feet so the end of the month will bring an eye appt. 

She loves most all foods except for cottage cheese and beans.  

She loves her big sister very much and often is found by her side trying to do everything she does. However she plays out much faster and still needs that afternoon nap. 

She hates not being able to get something on the first try and will often burst into tears because of it.  

For her birthday I spent 3 days sewing diapers, baby bed, two little doll blankets, pillow, wipes, carrier, and diaper bag. I can see many many hours of use out of them.

As much as we love having her and spending each birthday from now on and getting all her snuggles, giggles and love, I’ve spend yesterday and today consumed with thoughts of her birth mom. 

I’m torn between being so sad of her and Grace’s loss to loving the fact that we are now able to have this precious bean in our lives.

I can’t imagine her thoughts today. How these days must pass in her life. How I have no doubt that she is yearning for her monkey and wondering all about her. What she is like. Who she looks like. 

However I will be forever grateful for two things.  One she choose to carry to full term this precious miracle. She choose life. And two that through all they have been through I’m the one lucky enough to be called her momma. 

Our Grace will forever have two moms. She will always and forever know she was deeply loved by both of us. She will always and forever know of the love and sacrifice her tummy mummy made so we could be a family together.  


 I’m so looking forward to seeing our little monkey grow up into the most beautiful woman I know she will be.