Grace is 3

Today our little monkey turned 3. 

We spent it looking at other monkeys at the zoo. 

This was a fun one as she is still young enough there is no need for a big hype, yet old enough to start understanding it was her birthday. 

“Grace” is growing like a weed, and often out eats her older sister. 

Her words are finally coming clearer and sentences are really forming. 

She is still very timid and not fond of trying new things but is fierce enough to stand up to you when she is pushed in a corner. 

She’s a fantastic sharer and loves very much on her little sister who just turned one.

She is still unsteady on her feet so the end of the month will bring an eye appt. 

She loves most all foods except for cottage cheese and beans.  

She loves her big sister very much and often is found by her side trying to do everything she does. However she plays out much faster and still needs that afternoon nap. 

She hates not being able to get something on the first try and will often burst into tears because of it.  

For her birthday I spent 3 days sewing diapers, baby bed, two little doll blankets, pillow, wipes, carrier, and diaper bag. I can see many many hours of use out of them.

As much as we love having her and spending each birthday from now on and getting all her snuggles, giggles and love, I’ve spend yesterday and today consumed with thoughts of her birth mom. 

I’m torn between being so sad of her and Grace’s loss to loving the fact that we are now able to have this precious bean in our lives.

I can’t imagine her thoughts today. How these days must pass in her life. How I have no doubt that she is yearning for her monkey and wondering all about her. What she is like. Who she looks like. 

However I will be forever grateful for two things.  One she choose to carry to full term this precious miracle. She choose life. And two that through all they have been through I’m the one lucky enough to be called her momma. 

Our Grace will forever have two moms. She will always and forever know she was deeply loved by both of us. She will always and forever know of the love and sacrifice her tummy mummy made so we could be a family together.  


 I’m so looking forward to seeing our little monkey grow up into the most beautiful woman I know she will be. 

What I could be doing….

First off let me say it has been a year of craziness. We’ve had so many twist and turns this year I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster. 

I’ve tons of posts in my head and promise I’ll update you all soon. 

But for now I’ll give you the quick version on our little butterball. We found out the beginning of June that she would be available for adoption, we inquired to see if she would be able to be adopted by us but we were turned down. Long story which I won’t go into right now. Suffice to say we are devistated and are trying to make the best if our time remaining. Which we have no idea how long that will be. 

Ugh

So today while I have a list a mile long. The bigger littles are outside playing. Our little butterball has fallen asleep while we cuddled. 

  
So while I should be putting her done for her nap, I’m intend choosing to embrace this. Choosing to embrace the snuggles of this sweet baby whom I love so much. Choosing to soak up every second, every memory, every embrace, before they are gone.
Today, or at least for now, I’m ignoring the mess in exchange for the sweaty cuddles. 

Muddled

These past few days I’ve come to a very surprising revelation to me. I’m starting to feel normal. Like having these 3 sweet girls with us is starting to not just become easier but it’s starting to feel routine. 

It’s starting to get so much easier to feed everyone, to get baths done, bedtime done, even disclipine  done. In fact I’ve even started to homeschool some preschool for our little “Raven” ( cyper named picked as when I typed in mine and hubbies name this was one of the names it generated).

Quite simply we’ve become a family. 

Now that’s not to say like every family we don’t have our share of difficulties, and I presume like most families with children from traumatic backgrounds, we have copious amounts of challenges. Anywhere from total complete write off days to maybe just a bad hour. 

We deal with the normal temper issues, the normal two year issues, plus some FASD. Plus some very serious hard memories. Hard habits to break. Some hard pasts to have to live with. 

One of the new fun things we are doing here is the pre school. I’m actually having fun searching out on line and “teaching her letters, and numbers. She is such an incredibly bright young lady so she is picking it up fast. That is when she’s not being stubborn about it. Lol

I can see her excelling in school and in fact handsome hubby and I were talking about and can fully see her becoming her dream of being a doctor.

I’m also loving the way the 3 littles “play” together. Now that Lily is on the move the girls toys are fair game. This has made for some interesting moments and lots of lessons on patience and sharing. 

All in all though these 3 have worked their way into our hearts. Next month some big decisions are being made so we would love love love some prayer regarding that and the very real huge impact it could have on us all. 

  
Playing quietly and at one point even “talking” to Jesus. 

  
She is so rarely still this little one. Her emerging sense of humor is cracking us up.

  
This one never wants to be to far from me. She kept following me into the bathroom while I was cleaning. Silly girl.
Oh an I forgot in all this excitement to let you all know we managed to buy my last tummy baby her grad dress. Where has the time gone?!

Catching up

There is so much swirling around in this slightly greying, one brown haired, head of mine. It’s hard to believe I haven’t been on here since the end of October. 

We’ve been busy. And by busy I mean crazy, intense, no fun at all busy. 

I had made up my mind in Jaunary I was coming back to this little piece of paradise. Now here it is the 12th and I’m finally stopping in to say Hi. 

In NOVEMBER we took a mini holiday with all three of our foster daughters, plus our 17yr old bio. Let me tell you this it was nuts. Terrible roads = a very unhappy Daddy. Good to know for future crazy ideas I get. Lol

I was also privileged enough to be able to welcome home friends of ours whom just adopted their 4th China angel. That makes child number 6 for them and what a glorious big family they are. They are my homework to keep me sane resource and I love them to bits. 

December saw us busy with crafts, Christmas and renos. Handsome hubby took off from the 23rd to the 11 of January. It was amazing!!!!! 

Now here we in January. Renos are still happening. Chaos is still running free reign. We are still parents to three beautiful foster daughters whom I love do much. 

Seeing the world through their eyes has definitely been life changing for me. 

This is a crazy journey. Brutal ups and downs. Brokenness abound and yet…the love is endless.

Parenting fail

Tonight was Halloween, and I have to say that now that I have had a chance to sit back and chill, without being needed, I realize what a parenting fail I did tonight. 

First quick background. This last few days have been crazy. This momma needs her sleep and it seems that no one has got that memo for the last couple of nights. 

I was looking forward to today, as my teenager was home and I could catch a nap, but little butterball screamed if I was gone to long. So nap for me. 

No nap for me, made me border line uber grumpy. I often struggle with patience levels anyway but with no sleep, oh boy…

I really didn’t want to do Halloween this year. Partly because hubby was gone and doing it without him is a big job, even though I did have the help of Sarah. Partly because I’m lazy. Lol Partly because Caroline does not do well at all on sugar and I knew that it was going to be interesting doing this. 

But still I failed to take some notice of some things…

This was the first year I could take these beautiful girls out. At 4 yrs old Caroline really got the idea of it. Grace not so much, but hey free candy she was game. Hahaha

This is butterballs very first Halloween ever!!! And I was lucky enough to get to spend it with her!!!

This is Sarah’s last Halloween at home. Her last Halloween as a minor. 

 

i wish i could show you these adorable faces. the face paint on middle little was way to adorable and oldest little ages about 10yrs.

 
In failing to take notice of these things I failed to make this enjoyable. 

I was super strict on make sure they had their manners. 

I was super strict on only one candy tonight (although I will keep enforcing that one).

I was super tense and failed to pump them up and get them excited. 

I, tonight, forgot in my exhaustion that sometimes I can get re-energized through the excitement and wonderment of my children. 

I forgot that sometimes I just need to live in the moment.

I forgot that sometimes things happen and that’s the way life goes. 

Tonight as I was reflecting on my thankful list for today I realized one of the really big things I’m thankful for is new beginnings. 

Knowing that I can change how I choose to act and choose how to react to things happening around me. 

I can choose make myself better and choose not to live in the past and not to live in regret. 

So tomorrow I’m looking forward. Tomorrow I’m starting fresh and learning that sometimes I need to let us all live in the moment. 

  
I’m so fortunate to get to love these girls. To have them a part of our lives. 

My heart overflows. 

6 months!!!

Last week on the 15th we passed our 6 month anniversary with the girls I’ve since spent a lot of time looking at them and revelling in our far we’ve come. How much they’ve changed and how much we all have grown together. 

It hasn’t been easy. Not even a little tiny bit. But to have those little arms wrap around you and tell you I wuv wu mommy is definitely worth it. 

6.5 months ago we were happy. Life was calm. Our baby was finishing up grade 11. We were alright. 

In the last six months our lives have been turned upside down and shaken not stirred. 

It’s been super crazy. 

It’s been very very very challenging. 

We’ve dealt with loss. We’ve dealt with grief. We’ve dealt with things that no child should ever have to deal with. 

But we are slowly healing and slowly becoming a family. 

Each week seems a tiny bit easier. A tiny bit more doable. 

In these last 6 months I’m astounded by how I’ve changed. I didn’t even have a clue before. I had no idea how broken I would become. How many tears I would shed, happy ones, sad ones and a huge pile of frustrated ones. 

Now our home is filled with laughter, little girl giggles, potty training, cartoons, toys, snacks, drinks, hugs, sibling arguments, joy, silliness, and way more love than I thought possible. 

6.5 months ago I had no idea what I was getting into. But I also had no idea what i was missing. 

I had no idea part of my heart was missing. 

  

Heartbroken

its 3:30am and our little ms ‘Grace’ has decided that she needs to stay up tonight, so I thought I should really fill everyone in on what’s happening around here. 

For those of you who don’t already know, 3 weeks ago tomorrow we had to say good bye to our little ladybug. She went back to live with the birth mom. 

Things around here have been so different. We are missing out bug something fierce. 

My sweet caro asks about her all the time, and talks about her continuously.  It’s such a hard concept to tell a not yet 4 yr old who already has had so much disruption and so much loss in her little life that her sister won’t be leaving here no more. I know she doesn’t completely understand, but let’s me honest neither do I, why she is loving somewhere else. 

Now before I go any further, I advocate birth families to stay together, IF, it’s in the best interest of the child. I DON’T believe it is ALWAYS in the best interest of the child. I believe that way to many times children are placed with blood simply because they are blood. 

Now back to little ms ladybug. 😊

As I said tomorrow marks week 3 since we said goodbye. Which also means that we have now been without her the same amount of time that we got to love on her. 

It’s hard to believe that she was only with us 3 weeks. We all fell head over heels and are completely broken that she is no longer with us. 

I haven’t posted before this simply because the words were still so raw. 

This Foster thing is brutal. All of it. Everything. 

The placement: because that means that the family that the child was living with is no longer a good place for them. 

The beginning adjustment or the honeymoon: because everyone is just getting to know one another. For us, the girls were our first placement. It was rough on so many levels. They were broken, and I was lost. 

The new normal. After the honeymoon wears off: oh man this was like someone flipped a switch and all I could think off was could I have the honeymoon stage back. Lol

Then life: because let’s be honest, no matter how awesome it is and it can be pretty flipping great!! One is still dealing with loss, grief, hurt, attachment, brokenness. We for the most part are dealing really well. The girls have settled in and life is pretty freaking great. Now we don’t have visits, we don’t have any of that kind of hard stuff. 

Then there comes a time when they will move on. And either you will be ok with the move or not. 

For us we questioned this move. A LOT!!! We were not ok with it. But let’s me honest we don’t have a tremendous amount of say. So we pray. A LOT!!  We grieve. A LOT!!! This is far from easy. For me (a mom who has 3 miscarriages) it feels very similar. Like my baby was taken away from me. I know that sounds crazy and very few people will understand. In fact many will think well at least you only had her for a short amount of time. Others still believe well you don’t really get that attached, because after all you aren’t even their mom. This has been hard. Very hard. I am her mom. I still feel like her mom even though BM is now raising her. My arms feel empty and my heart cries from the pain of the loss. I look at pictures and love on her beautiful brown eyes. I pray she is happy and snuggling her BM. I pray she doesn’t have to cry and that she never feels alone. I also pray she is done missing me. That she is fully bonded with BM again. I pray this simply because I know that is what is best with her. Even though I sit here in tears thinking about it. 

Oh my sweet bug, we miss you so very much. You brought much sunshine into our life’s. Your sisters ask about you all the time and we constantly show them pictures of you. You are the background on my phone and my arms ache to hold you again. Know sweets that we all love you so very much. We all pray you are doing very well. We all wish you the very best and happy growing up even if we are not part of it. 

Love you my “Drey”.