The last 48 hrs

I did want to come on here and tell you some about the last 24 hrs we had our moose but honestly it was pretty raw. So I thought waiting some would help. 

It has… sorta.

The last 24 hrs was hard. But kinda cool in the same breathe.

The drive to her new home was long. She will live  each 3 and a half hours away. The girls watched 3 movies on the way down. ithe as snow/ raining when we left and by the time we got there the sun had come out. 

We checked into the hotel and then too off to her new home. 

It was really cool for me to see where she will be and to see her new room. She will have a puppy to play with which she will love. 

We spent a couple hours there and then we went and grabbed supper and back to the hotel. I made sure it was pretty chill and I let them go up and down the hallways and watch cartoons. 

Our middle one was having a really hard time so some heart to hearts. The girls hearts are hurting and some memories are coming to surface. 

The next morning I was up by 5: 30. Hard morning. Cartoons and baths and then off to breakfast. Then packed up and back to her new home. 45 minutes later I had to pry a screaming crying little one out of my arms and hand her over as I dashed out the door. 

Even as I sit here and write this the pain is still so hard. Like a kick to the gut. 

But let’s face it, I still am momma to two other little girls needing me. I’ve never been so thankful for DVD players. 

The we headed back home after a side stop of some shopping hoping it would distract.  I should have known better but it was worth a try. 

The evening home went ok. Tired girls. Emotionally spent. Bed early. Then momma walked around in her numbness. 

I made the mistake of going into her room last night. 

Have I mentioned yet how quiet it is? 

Today I spent cleaning because that I can control. I aalso did little things like put the phones back down, the toilet paper back on the rolls, the bathroom door gets to be left open. I kinda Unkid proofed.  

Im trying hard to focus on the good. 

She does have a really nice new family. I know she is already loved by them. She will get some much desired one on one time with mommy while her older sibling is in school. She will be cuddled and smooched. Her new mommy is ensuring me we will still be able to be a part of her life. 

 I’m also overwhelmed by the amount of love and support we have received in this. The amount of people praying for us alone is amazing. I can also say without a word of doubt that I have definitely felt Him these past few days.
Now to start the hard process of learning to live without our moose. 

In the words of her new mommy… One day at a time.


Grabbing memories

So the day has arrived. Our last day home with our little butterball. Well my last day home. Yesterday was emotional. So many goodbyes. So many times I watched this precious sweetheart get held, get kissed, get loved on, get prayed for as church family and good friends said goodbye. This morning our bio daughter had her goodbye. 

It’s been so gut wrenching to watch people that know and love this little princess say goodbye knowing it’s the last. 

Today I washed all her clothes for the last time. I packed them all up. Squished in a cuddly blankie and the rest of her diapers. Made sure her very favorite toys went with her. Packed up the diaper bag she came with and unpacked ours. 


I put her suitcase put in the vehicle. I explained to our other two daughters that this was the last night home with their foster sister. 

I bathed her. I picked out her final two sets of clothing. I played with her. I let her nap on me simply to get all the cuddles I can. I’ve laid her in her bed for the very last time tonight. 

Tomorrow I packed up bottles and our clothes and head down to her new mom and dad’s which is about 3 and a half hours away. I get one more night with her and then I have to say goodbye forever.  

I have no idea how I’m going to do that. I have no idea how I’m going to drive away with one 2 daughters in the vehicle and leave our youngest behind. Only by the strength of God will I be able to accomplish that.

In my youngest daughters eyes her mommy will be abandoning her. I know and all the adults around her know but her precious heart doesn’t. 

My enormous prayer for this bundle is for her heart to heal fast. For attachment and bonding to go lightening speed. For her to forget. Simply so that this pain that she has to go through is minimal. 

I have felt the Lord here more than ever. The tears today never came until much later. Until the older girls were in bed. He is giving me strength that I know is not my own. 

I’ve had so many people text me on a regular basis just to see how I am. Just for me to know we are loved. 

Please family and friends continue to pray for us in the coming days, weeks and months as we all transition into our new realities. 

Choosing the hard

Last night I watched my husband say goodbye for the last time to our youngest foster  daughter. we have had her for 14 months since she was 1 month old. 

Hubby works away from home and our little butterball leaves next week to be with her forever family. 

Seeing his pain and knowing next week I will be saying goodbye forever is brutal. 

Knowing this sweetheart, whom we love with all our hearts, is about to leave the only family she has ever really known. Well that’s painfully wrenching. 

Knowing she’s going to forget about us and grow up in a loving home is a double edged sword. 

Yet through it all. In the deepest pits of my torn heart, I know we will keep doing this. We will keep choosing the pain. 

Why you may ask?

Well simply put, because it’s worth it.  

Fostering is hard. Their pain becomes yours. Their trauma becomes yours. 

There is always, ALWAYS, loss. in everything. 

Even in the good things. Like successful reunification or forever homes. 

The loss right now is ours.  Our families.  Our friends. Our sweet foster ( one day forever) daughters. Even our little butterball has to experience this loss. 

Yet in the end the gain is there. She will gain a family where she will never have to leave. She will gain comfort and eventually security. She will gain the love of a large extended family.  

So for that we will keep going. We will take some time to mourn our loss. To heal.  To reconnect and then we will pick ourselves up again. Dust off and start opening up out hearts to another. Another that is going through a tremendous loss themselves. 

With God’s help we will be healed so that we can help heal. 

Because there is no way in H E  double hockey sticks could we do this alone.

Getting ready for goodbye

A couple weeks ago we got the call that our little butterball had a family.  

Over the next several weeks she will meet her new mom and dad and slowly transition into their lives and home. 

I am such a complex mix of feelings and thoughts.  

It’s brutal to think of life without her. Every single one of us is going to feel her loss significantly. My heart breaks thinking of her heartbreak. Because let’s be honest there is such loss in all of this. 

But, to be honest, there is also great joy. 

There is a family right now over the moon excited that this long hoped for and hopefully prayed for daughter is finally about to be part of their lives. She will never have to be uprooted again. She is young enough to never really remember ever not being a part of their family.  She will be able to grow up with some stability.  

For that alone I’m so thankful. 

I’m also thankful for the year of firsts we had with her. 

Her first smile.  

Her first laugh. 

Her first crawl. 

Her first steps. 

Her first running.  

Her first kisses. 

Her first hugs. 

Her first mom mom mom.

Her first dadada.

Her first “ove ewe”.

Her first trip to see the mountains.  

Her first swimming.

Her first birthday.  First Christmas. First easter. 

Though I’m often found with tears in my eyes over the loss, I know one day I will also see joy in it as well. 

So for now, as we prepare to say goodbye to this very special little girl, whom we love so completely, I’ll wash her clothes and her favorite stuffie.  I’ll spend every second I can snuggling her and getting a billion kisses and hugs.  I’ll take a million pictures and almost that many videos. I’ll capture her handprint and footprint for our stepping stones. I’ll cry often. I’ll pray constantly. I’ll make lists of things on want to share with her new parents.  I’ll clean and pack.

And most of all I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

This road we are called to travel is brutal. However I know we are not alone and that brings intense comfort. 

Grace is 3

Today our little monkey turned 3. 

We spent it looking at other monkeys at the zoo. 

This was a fun one as she is still young enough there is no need for a big hype, yet old enough to start understanding it was her birthday. 

“Grace” is growing like a weed, and often out eats her older sister. 

Her words are finally coming clearer and sentences are really forming. 

She is still very timid and not fond of trying new things but is fierce enough to stand up to you when she is pushed in a corner. 

She’s a fantastic sharer and loves very much on her little sister who just turned one.

She is still unsteady on her feet so the end of the month will bring an eye appt. 

She loves most all foods except for cottage cheese and beans.  

She loves her big sister very much and often is found by her side trying to do everything she does. However she plays out much faster and still needs that afternoon nap. 

She hates not being able to get something on the first try and will often burst into tears because of it.  

For her birthday I spent 3 days sewing diapers, baby bed, two little doll blankets, pillow, wipes, carrier, and diaper bag. I can see many many hours of use out of them.

As much as we love having her and spending each birthday from now on and getting all her snuggles, giggles and love, I’ve spend yesterday and today consumed with thoughts of her birth mom. 

I’m torn between being so sad of her and Grace’s loss to loving the fact that we are now able to have this precious bean in our lives.

I can’t imagine her thoughts today. How these days must pass in her life. How I have no doubt that she is yearning for her monkey and wondering all about her. What she is like. Who she looks like. 

However I will be forever grateful for two things.  One she choose to carry to full term this precious miracle. She choose life. And two that through all they have been through I’m the one lucky enough to be called her momma. 

Our Grace will forever have two moms. She will always and forever know she was deeply loved by both of us. She will always and forever know of the love and sacrifice her tummy mummy made so we could be a family together.  


 I’m so looking forward to seeing our little monkey grow up into the most beautiful woman I know she will be. 

What I could be doing….

First off let me say it has been a year of craziness. We’ve had so many twist and turns this year I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster. 

I’ve tons of posts in my head and promise I’ll update you all soon. 

But for now I’ll give you the quick version on our little butterball. We found out the beginning of June that she would be available for adoption, we inquired to see if she would be able to be adopted by us but we were turned down. Long story which I won’t go into right now. Suffice to say we are devistated and are trying to make the best if our time remaining. Which we have no idea how long that will be. 

Ugh

So today while I have a list a mile long. The bigger littles are outside playing. Our little butterball has fallen asleep while we cuddled. 

  
So while I should be putting her done for her nap, I’m intend choosing to embrace this. Choosing to embrace the snuggles of this sweet baby whom I love so much. Choosing to soak up every second, every memory, every embrace, before they are gone.
Today, or at least for now, I’m ignoring the mess in exchange for the sweaty cuddles. 

Muddled

These past few days I’ve come to a very surprising revelation to me. I’m starting to feel normal. Like having these 3 sweet girls with us is starting to not just become easier but it’s starting to feel routine. 

It’s starting to get so much easier to feed everyone, to get baths done, bedtime done, even disclipine  done. In fact I’ve even started to homeschool some preschool for our little “Raven” ( cyper named picked as when I typed in mine and hubbies name this was one of the names it generated).

Quite simply we’ve become a family. 

Now that’s not to say like every family we don’t have our share of difficulties, and I presume like most families with children from traumatic backgrounds, we have copious amounts of challenges. Anywhere from total complete write off days to maybe just a bad hour. 

We deal with the normal temper issues, the normal two year issues, plus some FASD. Plus some very serious hard memories. Hard habits to break. Some hard pasts to have to live with. 

One of the new fun things we are doing here is the pre school. I’m actually having fun searching out on line and “teaching her letters, and numbers. She is such an incredibly bright young lady so she is picking it up fast. That is when she’s not being stubborn about it. Lol

I can see her excelling in school and in fact handsome hubby and I were talking about and can fully see her becoming her dream of being a doctor.

I’m also loving the way the 3 littles “play” together. Now that Lily is on the move the girls toys are fair game. This has made for some interesting moments and lots of lessons on patience and sharing. 

All in all though these 3 have worked their way into our hearts. Next month some big decisions are being made so we would love love love some prayer regarding that and the very real huge impact it could have on us all. 

  
Playing quietly and at one point even “talking” to Jesus. 

  
She is so rarely still this little one. Her emerging sense of humor is cracking us up.

  
This one never wants to be to far from me. She kept following me into the bathroom while I was cleaning. Silly girl.
Oh an I forgot in all this excitement to let you all know we managed to buy my last tummy baby her grad dress. Where has the time gone?!